....the reckoning

“….anna, okka ruppe ivvu,” I heard a feeble voice; while juggling one of my favorite songs on a Monday morning. I turned aside and saw a small kid of hardly six years of age looking right into my eyes asking for a rupee. I’m not one of those charitable souls who would give alms to someone; but this was not usual—sultry brown eyes, puffed hair and an unusual calm face made this kid look very different. I looked at his face for a moment and then drove away with the signal going green, however, I kept thinking about the boy…”I should have given him something,” I reprimanded myself. The incident made the not so exciting Monday little grayer.

The next day at around the same time when I waited for the ‘Jublee check-post’ signal to turn green, my eyes were scanning the whole area looking for the timid soul, and momentarily I saw him at the far corner. I took out a two rupee coin—probably wanted to make up for yesterday, and waited for him to come by. In anticipation of the signal going green, I shuffled to and fro hoping to see the kid and give him some money, but he wouldn’t be seen. Anxiety grew as if a terrible mistake is going to happen but couldn’t do anything about it. “Damn! Where did he go?” I irked, and slowly drove off through the green light while still looking for the boy.

This wasn’t something very pertinent that I should be gasping all around, but kind of felt void inside. Thousands of time, I have ignored many such ‘alms seekers’ but never felt this heavy. The week passed away and I never got to see the little kid again. I had by this time got over the feeling; though not completely. One lazy weekend while lying on the bed I gazed the blades of the moving fan. I was lost deep in thoughts and they kept unfolding like an enigma without beckoning. I remembered my mom, dad, brother and other family member; friends, colleagues and the even recent acquaintances. I was entering into a sort of ‘plasmatic state’ where boundaries between emotions, logic, and practicalities become impalpable. I felt my heavy heart and wished to move away, desperate efforts were disdain. I’m neither a fundamentalist nor belong to one of the philanthropists but just an ordinary man with common feelings. The restlessness triggered anything but gratification; there was a sense, a meaning to all that passed. Time went by and after a couple of weeks, I once again saw the kid in the same signal. God knows why I felt lighter while reaching for that five rupee coin in my wallet. Vociferously, I called out, “Chhotu, here”, raising the coin pointing a gesture; the child rushed. He came, stretched his lean arms puffing a rare smile. Dropping the coin in his palm I gently asked, “What is your name?” he replied, “Bhanu” and walked away. I looked at the pale shadow crossing the road with some fulfillment and drove off. That evening I wasn’t my usual cheerful but definitely felt calm. The reckoning was emotional, awakening soulful.

Walk in the rain

Overwhelmed with emotions the dark clouds burst
Pondering showers heavy to bring down the trees
Scintillating thoughts pass like a lightening in the dark
I drool, halt and smear & feel the breeze; then walk in the rain

Powerful are the games, the mind plays
Tricking actions; fouling words
Recollects reactions, brings regrets…
Of wishful desires which lay on the edge of swords
I pause, smile and look toward heaven; then walk in the rain

Thuds grew heavy inside, gasps swell as never will die
Glimpses of memories splash and flash
With desires I longed which faded as the light…
In a day won and cheered by the clouds, I wished my heart wasn’t so dry
I walk in the rain so no one can see me cry.